Northbound

Some people are from New York, the city that never sleeps. Some people are from San Francisco, the city by the bay. I am from the greater Grand Prairie-Arlington area: where ice cream vendors go to die.

HRC:

“Some people counted me out and said to drop out. But the American people don’t quit, and they deserve a president who doesn’t quit, either.”

Except, of course, in Iraq, where she wants us to quit.

I like the Hashmarks blog on ESPN, mostly because it’s written by a fellow Baylor guy, most of the time. But it’s one of these blogs that obsesses over one topic (here the NFL) and when you start obsessing over things, you go nuts.

The chart shows how much draft capital each team possesses heading into this draft, based on picks held in the 2008 draft. I have assigned point values for each pick using the familiar draft-pick value chart popularized by former Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson.

So we have the NFL Draft as a topic, which is the geekiest part of the NFL season (case in point: Mel Kiper, Jr.). And then overlayed on that, there’s the Johnson chart, which is a bit of esoterica that is only really useful for GMs on draft day. And they’ve taken that chart and extrapolated it to determine which clubs have the most juice to make potential trades, not taking into account what players might be part of these trades, or whether the different teams involved need to move up or want to move up or what have you.

I mean, it’s great that somebody out there cares about this kind of thing, and I suppose it might be marginally useful to somebody else, but for the love of God, come on.

Let us suppose that you are a woman, one of several wives of a FDLS polygamist in a compound in the middle of West Texas. Outside of your community, very few people know who you are; the people outside your little world don’t know what’s going on, and don’t want to. And then, let’s say that there are allegations of child abuse, and the authorities swoop in and take all of your children away, under the harsh glare of the TV spotlights.

Now, imagining yourself in this situation, how would you feel if some smart-alecks at the AP started to criticize the way you dress?

For a society accustomed to the likes of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, the images of the women from the polygamist compound in Texas are almost shocking in their understatement: Ankle-length dresses, makeup-less faces, hauntingly uniform hair.

And while no one would accuse the women of making a fashion statement, the pioneer-style outfits are a rare example of how in an age of overexposure, modesty, too, can give pause.

The puff-sleeved, pastel dresses worn by the women in the sect are a combination of original 19th-century wear and 1950s clothing that was adopted when the church took a conservative turn, according to Janet Bennion, an anthropologist who studies polygamist women.

The dresses are meant to show modesty and conformity: They go down to the ankles and wrists, and are often worn over garments or pants, making sure every possibly provocative inch of skin is covered.

Seriously? The AP has the temerity to criticize the way these women dress? These are women who have little or no control over their lives, who are tied to a religion that holds women in no high regard, that are dominated and bullied by their menfolk, who have no access to any other clothing, and who probably made those dresses themselves while tending a flock of children. (I am overgeneralizing here to make a point.)

How dare the AP subject these women to criticism about what they wear?

Celebrity stylist and salon owner Ted Gibson thinks it gives off a “homely” impression.

“It says ‘I don’t really care very much. I really don’t have time to worry about the way that I look, because I have 20 children,”‘ Gibson said. “‘He’s going from wife to wife to wife, so why should I look any better than the other ones?”‘

Ted Gibson, I don’t know who you are, or why, but you’re an ass.

And as for the rest of the article — that these women might start some sort of new fashion trend? That’s just mean, that’s what it is. These women have suffered enough; why make them the inspiration for the next Fashion Week.

Look, I hold no brief for Mormonism in general, less so for the fundamentalists. If all they had wanted to do was live way out in the country under the precepts of their church, I’m all for it. I don’t like that they seem to think it’s OK to scam the welfare system, and I think that the child abuse was sickening, and that my old boss Governor Perry was right to step in as he did. But none of that gives the AP the right to run some lame excuse for journalism that does nothing more than point out the obvious — that these women have frumpy hair and ugly pastel dresses.

I used to be a movie critic (on my own hook, of course) and I don’t have any trouble using this tiny little platform to criticize the dregs of American society, whether they be Jimmy Carter, Eli Manning, or other horrible and awful characters. But there’s criticism, and then there’s piling on, and I know what the AP is doing.

The AP:

JERUSALEM - Former President Carter said Monday that Hamas — the Islamic militant group that has called for the destruction of Israel — is prepared to accept the right of the Jewish state to “live as a neighbor next door in peace.”

But, of course, in reality:

In Washington, the State Department dismissed Carter’s assessment of his meetings, saying there was no indication Hamas wanted peace with Israel.

“What is clear to us is that there certainly is no change in Hamas’ position,” said deputy spokesman Tom Casey. “It does not recognize Israel’s right to exist, it has not eschewed or walked away from terrorism and violence, nor has it said it will honor any of the previous agreements that have been made with the Israeli government.”

Which makes one wonder what former President Carter hears when Hamas says things. I think it must sound like this:

No, I wasn’t paying attention to Deion Sanders’s reality show, but I was pleased to hear that some excuses never die:

But now he is trying to change things. A reality TV junkie, Sanders has long been interested in delving into the medium. He says he was asked to appear on “Dancing With The Stars,” but that a history of toe surgeries made that impossible.

Yep, that one never gets old.

This is a question that’s meant at least semi-seriously.  Okay, everyone knows that, in the West, if you run around saying anything bad or negative about the Prophet Mohammed, and word gets out to the Arab Street, that there will be lots of public demonstrations and flags burned and all sorts of other caterwauling and death threats and other assorted forms of street theater designed to intimidate people from going forth and doing likewise.  (And that’s fine, that’s free speech, do it all you want, just don’t do it in New Jersey in front of my house or anywhere in downtown Trenton, and don’t, you know, kill people and all that kind of stuff.)

Furthermore, we know that, for whatever reason, Western artists just love, absolutely love, to display Christian symbols in a negative or distasteful format, when they’re not cutting cows in half or other kinds of meaning artistic claptrap.  The most recent iteration of this tired meme comes from Austria, where “The Last Supper” is re-interpreted as a gay pagan orgy.  And, okay, that’s free speech, too.  (Having said that, the Cardinal who threw the picture out of the museum is 100% right - it’s a Catholic museum, and the Cardinal has the right to not show offensive art, and he has the full support of this blog.)  And because it’s free speech, which we here in the West honor, there aren’t any big-time street demonstrations or people setting flags on fire, or issuing death threats, except maybe in Alabama or something where there’s not much to do on Saturday night.

Okay, that sets the parameters of the discussion.  Here’s my question.  It’s true, isn’t it, that Jesus is not just the Christian messiah - he’s also considered a big-time prophet in Islam, right?  I mean, he’s not #1 in their pantheon, but he’s up there.  So if that’s true — and I think it is — how come the same people who go out in the street and burn the Danish flag and get all hostile and mean-spirited over insults to Mohammed don’t do the same stupid thing when Jesus is insulted?

To put the shoe on the other foot, if somebody snuck in an etching of Mohammed getting it on with his disciples in an Islamic art exhibit in a mosque in Cairo, what do you think would happen?  (Not that I am suggesting that anybody do such a thing, I’m just sayin’.)  I don’t know the complete answer, but my best guess is nothing good, not anything good at all.

So why aren’t the Islamic protestors getting all worked up about a similar insult to Jesus?

I guess it’s root-root-root for the home team.  Let’s suppose, for a moment, that somebody over in Saudi Arabia was running around saying that Michael Young is an imperialist running-dog who shames all Islam with his fielding and batting prowess.  Would I get all worked up over that?  Probably not, but it could happen.  I like Michael Young.  He’s on my team.  I don’t want Abu-al-Butthole over there in Mecca running down my shortstop.  But if the same guy said the same thing about Alex Rodriguez, chances are I’d be 100 percent behind him.  Chances are I’d be saying the same things.  “You say Pay-Rod is a whoremongering Crusader son-of-a-camel?  You’re right about that one, my man.”

Is A-Fraud one of my countrymen?  Yes (unless he decides that he’s Dominican this week).  Is A-Fraud a fellow-communicant of the Church of Baseball?  Yeah, sure.  Is A-Fraud bringing people to baseball?  Sure.  Doesn’t matter, though.  He’s on the other side, the same way Jesus is on the other side if you live in Amman or Tripoli, and you don’t come to the aid of the other side as readily as one of your own.

The last rotary-dialed pay phone in these here United States of America is in Grand Prairie, Texas.  I am so proud.

And, of course, it’s a local historical landmark.

Yeah, if you’re Pacman Jones, and you want very badly to play for the Cowboys, and you want to endear yourself to the Dallas fanbase, requesting to wear Deion Sanders’s number, that’s a good first step.  It’s a good second step, after that, to stub your toe and spend the rest of the year on injured reserve.  Something to think about.

I am Gladwell! Mighty and strong! Your puny journalistic ethics cannot contain me!